My so called life
by xoxoAsianChicaxoxo
Summary: Have you ever felt… unwanted… Stupid? Being treated like crap because of who you are? This is me. this is nothing really like perks, just my story.
1. Chapter 1

Have you ever felt… unwanted… Stupid? Being treated like crap because of who you are? This is me, Lilly. This is probably going to be a weird… story? I don't know what this is. For me, I just want to know that someone out there understands. Understands the problems I'm going through. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I want to feel wanted. This is basically going to be a like a journal for me.

I'll start off by telling you a little about me. Being one of the 5 Asians in an all Italian school is… well hard. Being called shitty names and bullied. It's terrible. I know you don't have to be Asian in order to be bullied. Bullying comes anywhere. Bullies come from people that are all sorts of shapes and sizes. I moved from Toronto when I was younger, and dumped into an Italian community. Moved with my father's side's family. They always favored men, since they can carry out the "family name, so our family can live on." That's what they always said. Due to that, my older cousins abused me. I'm the youngest of all my cousins. Just cause my cousins have dicks between their legs, they're allowed to get away with everything. When I was a child, my eldest cousin would pin me down and just hit me. I was 3. My mom would be away working so we can afford our own house so we don't have to share anything with them. I still remember when I was little, my uncle from my mom's side gave me a little toy dog. Once I returned to my home, my toy was immediately token from me, and since we lived in a duplex (those of you that don't know what that is, it's a house that has three floors, you have to use a staircase to get to your floor that you live in.) my oh so lovely cousin dropped it from the balcony. It broke. In half. I told my aunt and all they said was

- " He didn't mean to do it. His hand slipped and it fell."

-"He threw it down. He made it break" I said.

-"He didn't throw it, stop lying. You're a liar and when you grow up, you'll become a liar. You good for nothing of a child."

Life with my dad's side of the family wasn't a walk in the park, because of them, I'm… damaged. When I see a boy that's my age, my first instinct is

"Be tough or they'll treat you like shit."

I can't live like this. I don't know how I have guy friends. The guy friends I have… they know, and they understand. I really am thankful for them. Being around girls isn't that fun either. Drama, gossip… wearing a mask to conceal your identity or you'll be eaten alive. The girl friends that I have aren't bad. They're funny, nice, but loud. I admit, I can be loud, but there's a time were enough is enough. Breaks from them are nice. You're probably wondering what my mask is. Well, smiling when you know you can't anymore, laughing when nothing is from the heart, talking but with empty words. They don't know anything. While my guy friends. You can say they're broken too. They know. Now you're probably wondering why do I need to put this out when you have guys that understand? Well, I don't say enough. I'm a person that doesn't express much but violence. There's one guy friend in particular that really does understand me. I'm grateful for him so much. His name… well… we'll call him Darien. He's a fellow Asian as well. He has a not so good background. He's the one that I usually go to with my problems. I don't text him much because I'm scared that I'll bother him. I keep everything to myself. I guess this is a good way to express myself right? Anyways, back to Darien. Lately, I don't know why, but he looks like he's annoyed of me. Am I that annoying? I told him about my background. He's one of the 2 people that really know everything about me. Lately, I just don't want to hang out with the group much. I don't want to bother the ones I care about. But I also want to hang out with my other fellow Asian guy friend, we'll call him Jack. He's the one that's always you can say lost. He looks like it, but he knows what's going on. I like talking to him because he's always random and clumsy. He makes me laugh. I think that the both of them are my friends because they don't care what I do to them, I'm not mean to the point that I will me very mad if you did something simple as accidentally dropping my phone or something. As I said, I'm naturally mean to guys. I can't help it. I try to be nice, but I don't know what holds me back. I grew accustomed to them. I think that they grew accustomed to me as well I think. I don't only have close guy friends, but one really special girl friend that's always with me. Let's call her Jasmine. She's broken like I am. Wow, there sure are a lot of teenagers broken now a day's huh? Anyways, she's the other one that knows my story. She knows when I'm sad. It's like her and Darius can look through me. It's like the broken can find another broken one. I'm glad that she can though. It's nice having someone worry about me time to time.

It's not like my home life is bad. It's just, when I'm home. I like to go into my room that I share with my "oh so dear older" sister. She's usually in the living room with my family since the PC's there. I have my own laptop so; you can say I'm a recluse in my family. I don't like to share my emotions with them because my dad probably won't care, my aunt, I don't trust, my mom will over react, and my sis? Well, I don't want to feel stupider than I already feel. My mom's side isn't the best either. My cousin that's younger than I am about 4 months is way smarter, prettier and taller. I usually wave off the family when I'm compared to her since I don't see her often. My mom's side of the family live somewhere different than where I live. But my sister… she's older than me by 2 years. She goes to an elite school, semi-private and has really good friends. She's the one that I compare myself to. My mom, I know she thinks my sister is smarter than I am. I know she thinks I'm useless and probably won't go anywhere in life. All my accomplishments I don't dare show my mom. She'll just say "good" but think " you're sister is better than you, you got a 90 on your test? Your sister got 100." Being compared constantly really does destroy you. I think I'm not that bad either. I might not go to an elite school, but I'm in the IB program. It's a program with an extra course, which is Spanish. You graduate with an extra diploma and extra credits. It's a program that you have to take a test into. But I still feel stupid compared to my sister. She's just… better than me in every way. I just don't bother on pleasing anyone anymore. I tried so hard to be as smart as her, I just learnt to give up and accept the fact that she's just smarter than I am.

You can say I'm a pessimistic person. I think that you shouldn't bring your hopes up because if you fail, you'll just get hurt harder. I just accept the fact that I will always be the stupidest of the family. My weakness really is math. I know the stereotype about Asians and math, well guess what people, I'm a defective one. On top of that, I have a horrible teacher. He can't teach. He need to retire. No one gets anything in his class, imagine me… I failed my last term and that just proved to my mom that I'm a stupid fuck. She told me that I disappointed her. That really hurt. My heart just shattered there and then.

From then on, I would over think a lot of things. I had panic attacks in the shower because my mind starts to wonder and in the matter of seconds, I'm shaking and on the floor. I also pretty sure I had ADD (attention deficient disorder) I can't concentrate if someone makes a sound. I haven't told my family anything because I find it would just add fuel to the flame of my flaws. I try to mask everything. But today, I've decided to share. I know, flaws are things that everyone has. They mold you to the person you are, without them, life would be boring don't you think? Anyways, I have to go, talk to you another time.


	2. Chapter 2

Well here's another episode of, my life! Wow… why did I start like that…? Anyways, to the person that told me to stay strong. Thank you. I really needed that today. Today wasn't a really good day. What is a good day anyways? I never really had a day that I didn't regret anything… or just feel depressed. So anyways, today, I just felt like crap. I didn't feel like I wanted to do anything. My mom scolded me for doing nothing wrong. She told me to fold the laundry and do the chores. I did and when I finished, I went on my laptop to check my e-mail. She came in and just yelled at me. She said

"Why are you always on your laptop? Don't you do anything else? See your sister. She's studying for exams and here you are, no wonder you don't do well in your studies."

I didn't dare really to say anything. I just kept silent and nodded. She took my silence as ignorance and continued to yell.

"You know what? I don't care anymore; you're not going to Thailand next year. You've been nothing but trouble and a terrible child. You don't deserve such privileges."

The Thailand trip that I was saving up for was my form of escape. It was a school trip and I was going with 2 of my friends. Its 14 days. Meaning 14 days without feeling like shit. 14 days of pure independence and freedom. Really, this meant so much to me. She's not even paying for it. I am. I'm working part time for this. I have a job with my friend that's one hour away from home. I already have exams coming up but I know I won't regret this. I come home around 8 or sometimes 9 pm. I have to take the subway home. Reason I go that far to find a job, well I don't like seeing people I know, it's not like I'm ashamed or anything, it's just...I don't like to associate with people much. It's ironic since I work at a restaurant, but you know what I mean, I hope. It's also further from home, meaning further from hell. I don't know what to do. I really want to go. Do you have any suggestions? I mean, this isn't my ONLY form of escape. I watch anime and play games, but I find this is really my real kind of escape. They're going to be 30 hours away from me. I can almost taste the joy I will have. Just me and my 2 friends, it would feel like heaven. I know it's probably exaggerating for you but for me. This is how much I want it.

This wasn't the only thing that screwed up my day. The other problem is, when I was eating dinner with my family (I don't usually eat with them, it's just my mom brought take out today and there's no left over from yesterday's dinner so I really had no choice.) My aunt told me to get her some ketchup. I had my hands dirty and I couldn't so I told her

"Can you get it?"

The reaction I got was,

"I drove your mom to get your food and you can't even do a simple task like that?" She said. She looked at me like I just committed a terrible crime. Her eyes widened and tighten her jaw like she always does when she's mad.

I didn't have a choice but to whip my hands and go fetch "the queen" Her stupid ketchup. When I go and get it, my father yelled at me for not properly cleaning my hands and getting everything greasy and disgusting.

"You know how hard it is to clean that?" He said with his harsh tone.

"I do, because I'm the one who cleans shit around here." I said under my breath.

"Do you have something to say young lady?! Say it loud and clear so I can hear it!"

"No, I don't have anything to say." I said.

"Good, now keep it that way."

By then, I didn't really want to eat anything anymore; I didn't want to see any of them. So I just wrapped my food and stored it in the fridge. I don't throw it cause then my mom would yell at me for wasting food. So I go in the washroom to wash my hands and go back into my room.

To be honest, I despise my father. I hate him to the core. He doesn't do anything to provide for the family. He's always out, and when he comes back home, he just yells and eats. He doesn't do anything. At least my mother cooks and pays the bills and everything. But him, he's just a free loader. Don't do shit for the family and still wants to order everyone around. He is a fowl no good man. I don't treat him like family. My sister always told me that

" Blood is blood, you should always treat everyone kindly."

But for me, blood is only something that keeps you alive. Family is only people who treat you like family. Treat you like you're deserved to be living right now. For me, not many people make me feel this way. Only Jasmine and occasionally Darius, Jake and my other girl friends do. I just can't imagine how I would be if I didn't have them. I think I wouldn't be even able to write anymore. Not even on the face of the earth, given up long ago.

Anyways, I have school tomorrow. Half a day since there's cram sessions on the other half of the day. I'm going to hang out with some friends. I guess that would cheer me up right? I hope so. Talk to you later.


End file.
